It's been a while since my last blog. My depression has been on a roller coaster since then. Things definitely started looking up for a while (or so I thought). Come to find out, that was just the calm before the storm. The "real" storm was just right around the corner. Memories from my past started coming in by the truckloads (and still continue). I didn't know what to do with all of the memories. Just dealing with the memories wouldn't have been so bad if the emotions that went with them would have just stayed away. But...noooo....if God is going to heal you, He has to bring everything into the light.
Frankly, I never wanted to see any of that stuff again. I wanted to keep everything in a nice box and bury it deep. I never wanted it to surface and I wanted to live life as if none of it had ever happened. But as usual, God thought differently.
I am realizing that in order for me to begin my healing process, I not only have to open the box, but take everything out. The big, the ugly, the painful, EVERYTHING. I hate the box. I hate everything that is in it. I wish I didn't have the box. Unfortunately, because of sin, it is there.
This past summer marked the 20th anniversary of some of the most traumatic events in my life. It was my subconscious that kept on eye on the calendar. I could have cared less. I had buried those memories and there was no need to rehash them. It was just a story in my past and I had learned to disconnect with the emotions of it all. However, as much as I thought I had manipulated my way past it; it defined me. Satan kept his grip around me.
Twenty years ago, the purity of touch was robbed from me. When I confided in the one who I trusted most, thinking she would protect me, I was taught that my voice was not worth being heard. I learned that I was the problem. I was taught to believe that regardless of someone else's actions, I would be the cause of pain in others. I learned that no one could be trusted. I learned that I wasn't worth loving. I learned to stay silent. And I became a master at burying pain. Twenty years...why on the 20th anniversary would God decide it was time to pull away the curtain. I've asked Him that over and over.
I have been in tears many nights, begging God to make it go away. The darkness seemed to consume me. Death seemed like the only way out.
Then I realized that Satan must be feeling something big was about to take place in my life. He wouldn't be pursuing me with this much intensity unless he was afraid of the mold God was about to start reshaping.
I get the whole "clay" thing now. My clay mold looked o.k. on the outside, but it was completely dried up on the inside for a LONG time. I guess God was just waiting until the right time to reshape me. I had to be ready and willing for His healing on His terms, not mine.
Sometimes I get sick of learning. I want God to take a break and go work on someone else for a while. But I guess I can't choose when God decides to answer prayers. I started praying a while back that God would heal me fast. And heal me fast is what He has been doing. Identifying the pain of twenty years ago and of my childhood, letting go of certain dreams, opening my eyes to reality, discerning truth from lies, setting new boundaries, and learning to obey His "no's" when I really want them to be "yes's" have all been part of this healing process. I am FINALLY starting to feel "real" joy.
This past Sunday my pastor, Andy, talked about how real joy can be felt in the midst of pain (when life is ugly). He talked about Paul being chained to guards 24/7 but constantly feeling joy. I had always heard of this supposed "real" joy, but never believed it existed. My joy always came when things were going well...when I loved my job...when I had the boyfriend...when everything seemed to be going smoothly.
The crazy thing about opening this stupid box of mine and pulling everything out is that I am starting to feel the chains that have bound me in the past be cut off. I wake up with a sense of joy that I can't explain. My situation hasn't changed, but the feelings inside are starting to. I am getting a glimpse of the joy Paul describes in Philippians. If this is just a taste of the healing then I can't wait to see what lies ahead.
God's "no's" that seemed to have crush me in the past are now starting to make sense. I am learning to be thankful for the "no's". I don't like them in the moment, but He definitely knows what He is doing. Bring on the healing, God. I am ready to face the truth.
Truth brings about healing. And healing brings joy. Thank God for "no's" and healing.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
On the Road to Recovery
I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today and she suggested I update my blog with how God has been healing me. This blogging thing has been quite humbling. I feel very vulnerable putting my thoughts out there for everyone to see. Especially during a time when my life seems so raw. However, people have come to me and told me that they have been able to relate to my experiences. They've told me that the words written here have helped them during their dark times. I wish I could take credit for my thoughts, but what I write comes from God. I am completely lost on my own. There is no way I would have survived this part of the journey without His embrace.
The week after the last blog was a rough one. God definitely came near when I couldn't take anymore. Tears continued to flow and I continued to cry out to God. That week was full of the darkness of depression, but Satan was losing the battle. I have never felt closer to God than during that time. He was my only focus.
There is a passage in the Bible where Jesus had just finished a bizarre sermon. People who had been following him began leaving. His message was just too difficult for them. As they were leaving Jesus looks at His closest apostles and asks, "You don't want to go too, do you?" and Peter replies, "Lord, to whom shall we go?" Peter's words ran through my head over and over. To whom shall I go, Lord? There was no one to get me through this time. I was "doing" everything I could possibly do to pull through: counseling, support group, medication, etc. All of these things were helping me, but I hadn't fully "let go and let God" take over.
Letting go for me is very tough. I like to be in control. Depression is a beast for someone who is a control freak. A lot of people ask me what clinical depression feels like. Well...think of your saddest moment in life: death, divorce, illness, whatever. Now feel that pain from that time. People who suffer from "true" depression (not a funk or a rough season) wake up everyday feeling that way and cannot tell you why. No amount of positive thinking can get you past the pain. It is ugly. You can get through it, but you have to be willing to work hard. To fight. And fight is what I decided to do.
I have been going to couseling for about a year now. It took me a while to find someone I felt comfortable with, but once I did, what an eye opener. She is amazing. Let me tell you...don't get discouraged if you go to a counselor and don't like them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of kooks out there trying to help people when they really need to help themselves. My counselor has helped me address a lot of demons from my past. There have been times when I didn't want to go. I just didn't want to work on me. I wanted to continue burrying my past and the pain. It is easier that way. But digging up the past and bringing it front and center is the only way to move forward. Someone told me once that the definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same way and expecting a different result everytime. With counseling, I have decided to stop the insanity.
When the depression began slipping deeper and deeper, my counselor advised me that I needed to see a psychiatrist to adjust my medication. The depression had gotten so bad, I couldn't "think" my way out of it. I have to tell you...the whole depression medication thing is very humbling. I had always been one who looked down on people who needed meds for their mental state. Wow! Pot meet kettle. However, I was willing to do anything to get me moving forward. I would have walked on hot coals barefoot if that would take the depression away. So I guess being on meds is a little better.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and post tramatic stress disorder (PTSD). What?? A lot of words which basically mean my brain was working overtime. Some tramatic events from my childhood had begun resurfacing. Memories I never knew I had started showing their ugly faces. Apparently my subconscious knew they were coming and protected itself by sinking me into depression. A series of unexpected events in my life this year triggered these memories. Dealing with this stuff has been quite a beating. Thank God for counseling and my support group.
Needless to say, this has been HUGE defining season of my life. The fog is starting to lift. I am learning more about myself everyday. Joy shows its face more often. The depression hasn't completely released its grip, but I am having a LOT more of those better days. My smile has returned. And although it is not always there, I am thankful to have it more often. God is doing something BIG in me right now. I can feel it. No, I am not standing on the street corner with a sign that says "REPENT!" I am just on this road to recovery and it is only through the mercy of Jesus Christ that I am getting there.
The week after the last blog was a rough one. God definitely came near when I couldn't take anymore. Tears continued to flow and I continued to cry out to God. That week was full of the darkness of depression, but Satan was losing the battle. I have never felt closer to God than during that time. He was my only focus.
There is a passage in the Bible where Jesus had just finished a bizarre sermon. People who had been following him began leaving. His message was just too difficult for them. As they were leaving Jesus looks at His closest apostles and asks, "You don't want to go too, do you?" and Peter replies, "Lord, to whom shall we go?" Peter's words ran through my head over and over. To whom shall I go, Lord? There was no one to get me through this time. I was "doing" everything I could possibly do to pull through: counseling, support group, medication, etc. All of these things were helping me, but I hadn't fully "let go and let God" take over.
Letting go for me is very tough. I like to be in control. Depression is a beast for someone who is a control freak. A lot of people ask me what clinical depression feels like. Well...think of your saddest moment in life: death, divorce, illness, whatever. Now feel that pain from that time. People who suffer from "true" depression (not a funk or a rough season) wake up everyday feeling that way and cannot tell you why. No amount of positive thinking can get you past the pain. It is ugly. You can get through it, but you have to be willing to work hard. To fight. And fight is what I decided to do.
I have been going to couseling for about a year now. It took me a while to find someone I felt comfortable with, but once I did, what an eye opener. She is amazing. Let me tell you...don't get discouraged if you go to a counselor and don't like them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of kooks out there trying to help people when they really need to help themselves. My counselor has helped me address a lot of demons from my past. There have been times when I didn't want to go. I just didn't want to work on me. I wanted to continue burrying my past and the pain. It is easier that way. But digging up the past and bringing it front and center is the only way to move forward. Someone told me once that the definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same way and expecting a different result everytime. With counseling, I have decided to stop the insanity.
When the depression began slipping deeper and deeper, my counselor advised me that I needed to see a psychiatrist to adjust my medication. The depression had gotten so bad, I couldn't "think" my way out of it. I have to tell you...the whole depression medication thing is very humbling. I had always been one who looked down on people who needed meds for their mental state. Wow! Pot meet kettle. However, I was willing to do anything to get me moving forward. I would have walked on hot coals barefoot if that would take the depression away. So I guess being on meds is a little better.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and post tramatic stress disorder (PTSD). What?? A lot of words which basically mean my brain was working overtime. Some tramatic events from my childhood had begun resurfacing. Memories I never knew I had started showing their ugly faces. Apparently my subconscious knew they were coming and protected itself by sinking me into depression. A series of unexpected events in my life this year triggered these memories. Dealing with this stuff has been quite a beating. Thank God for counseling and my support group.
Needless to say, this has been HUGE defining season of my life. The fog is starting to lift. I am learning more about myself everyday. Joy shows its face more often. The depression hasn't completely released its grip, but I am having a LOT more of those better days. My smile has returned. And although it is not always there, I am thankful to have it more often. God is doing something BIG in me right now. I can feel it. No, I am not standing on the street corner with a sign that says "REPENT!" I am just on this road to recovery and it is only through the mercy of Jesus Christ that I am getting there.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
What's so hard about forgiveness?
Why is it so hard to forgive if harboring anger hurts you more than holding onto it? I have always thought of myself as one who can forgive easily and does not hold grudges. I couldn't understand why some people couldn't let things go. I would hold my head up high thinking of how great I was because I was a "forgiver". Never putting words to my inner feelings, I would often think..."God must be so proud of me." Pride, what an ugly thing.
As I slowly emerge out of the desert I have been in, I find myself struggling with forgiveness. My tongue has become a stumbling block as I lash out with hateful words toward those who have hurt me so deeply over the years. It saddens me as I sit here and think about how I have sunk to an embarrassing level of pride. I have never given God credit for giving me the power to forgive. Forgiveness is not in my human nature. I struggle just like everyone else.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
When God Comes Near
It's amazing all the misconceptions we have about God. Things that have been told to us growing up. Scripture that people quote and swear that it comes from the Bible but cannot quite pinpoint where it is.
Last night truth was brought front and center to my world of misconceptions. I hit one of my of my darkest points in this season of being in the desert. Depression had taken its toll on me and I had nowhere to turn to but to Him. I crawled into my closet, which has become my quiet sanctuary, to get "real" with God. I decided I was going to pray scripture from HIS Word until I heard His voice. I began praying Psalm 4 and then moved on to Psalm 6, repeating it numerous times, pleading with God to come near. The sobbing worsened each time I read from David's helpless words. I laid on the closet floor begging God to hear me. Begging God to deliver me. Pleading with Him to take me "home" if this is what my life was to be. I was in a dark place where no one could reach me except for Him. Then with tears streaming down my face and sobbing uncontrollably, I spoke out loud to Satan with as much authority as I could muster, Psalm 6:8-10:
Last night truth was brought front and center to my world of misconceptions. I hit one of my of my darkest points in this season of being in the desert. Depression had taken its toll on me and I had nowhere to turn to but to Him. I crawled into my closet, which has become my quiet sanctuary, to get "real" with God. I decided I was going to pray scripture from HIS Word until I heard His voice. I began praying Psalm 4 and then moved on to Psalm 6, repeating it numerous times, pleading with God to come near. The sobbing worsened each time I read from David's helpless words. I laid on the closet floor begging God to hear me. Begging God to deliver me. Pleading with Him to take me "home" if this is what my life was to be. I was in a dark place where no one could reach me except for Him. Then with tears streaming down my face and sobbing uncontrollably, I spoke out loud to Satan with as much authority as I could muster, Psalm 6:8-10:
"Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my pleas; the Lord WILL answer my prayer. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame."
I turned and laid in the fetal position on the floor in my quiet closet, BEGGING God to relieve me, to hear me, to speak to me, to give me comfort. The agony of the depression had come to its worst moment.
It was then, that God came near. A peace came over me and I felt His presence. He just kept saying, "I am here and I love you." He kept repeating those words until my sobbing subsided. He told me that He is always with me and that sometimes He chooses silence to strengthen my faith in Him. He said that if He gave me all the answers I desired, my faith would be meaningless. Then He told me to write everything down that He said to me, so that I would not forget His words or misinterpret them later on. What a precious gift.
Going back to my first statement in this blog, I had to been holding onto words I thought had come from God. Words many of us cling to in times of despair. Those words are: "God will never give you more than you can handle." For as long as I can remember, I thought these words came right out of the scripture. I had been very angry with God because I was getting to a point where I couldn't "handle" my circumstances anymore. So...I decided to research this supposed scripture.
The truth is...nowhere in the Bible does God tell us that He will not give us more than we can handle. Sometimes He MUST give us more than we can handle so that we will be dependent on Him. He had to push me to my breaking point last night to put me in a place of complete and utter dependence on Him. I had nowhere to turn but to Him. However, He does promise us is in Matthew 11:28:
"..Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."
This has been quite a journey so far. God has given me back my hope. I can feel that my happiness right around the corner. Depression may always be my "thorn in my side" but I know that God is always near and he will "give me rest."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
A Break in the Clouds
Sometimes for no reason at all, God gives relief. Today He was gracious enough to bless me with a break in the clouds...relief for a day from my depression. I can't explain it. It wasn't necessarily a day any different from any other. Nothing spectacular happened. I just woke up feeling better.
God is a good God. He has lifted the darkness, if just for a day. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the many blessings He has given me. I don't deserve anything I have, yet He continues to bless me. I just wanted to write a small little blog to remind myself that God is very real and relief does come. It is just not always in my timing.
I am not so naive to believe that the depression is over. But fortunately, God has given me the tools to work at getting closer to a more permanent feeling of contentment.
God is a good God. He has lifted the darkness, if just for a day. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the many blessings He has given me. I don't deserve anything I have, yet He continues to bless me. I just wanted to write a small little blog to remind myself that God is very real and relief does come. It is just not always in my timing.
I am not so naive to believe that the depression is over. But fortunately, God has given me the tools to work at getting closer to a more permanent feeling of contentment.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Depression: The Dark Season
There are times when God goes silent for a while and I wonder where He is or if He is even there. Unfortunately, now is one of those times. Depression, my fiercest enemy, has taken its toll on me. It is a darkness that consumes me. The heaviness of it weighs me down, making it difficult to function in life's daily routines. It doesn't matter what I tell my mind to do, the depression dictates my day and my emotions. It is a generational curse that originates from sin and I have become the unwilling recipient of its evil.
I believe it is Satan's best attack against me. He relishes in the pain it brings and the darkness that surrounds me. It is who he is and what he is all about. I find myself withdrawing from the things that once brought me joy. My mind is numb from the pain. I wear a mask to work to hide its ugly face. Strangely enough, it has actually been a blessing to keep me somewhat sane throughout the day. But when I get home and wind down from the day, I am exhausted and sleep becomes my best friend. I don't wish this darkness on anyone.
Psalm 6:2-10 has become my prayer morning and night. I find comfort in David's words as he begs God for mercy. He is hurting and feels alone. The book of Psalms is filled with David's heartaches as he cries out to God.
Job is another who got to experience depression's grip. I grew up thinking Job accepted his hardships willingly and that I should live my life as if there are no worries, being happy with God at all times. When I finally sat down to read the book of Job a few years ago, I gained a new respect for him. He was "real" about his struggle. He was hurt, angry, alone, depressed and was ready for life to end. He felt God had abandoned him during his darkest season.
Joseph struggled for over 13 years from being betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and thrown in prison left only to wonder where God was in all of this. I am thankful for these stories, because they each give me hope. I know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy.
Lately, I have met a lot of people who struggle with or have struggled with depression. I wish I was the only one who had to know how it feels. It is a terrible place to be. However, I hold onto the fact that this is only a season. Hopefully one that will end soon, but either way...it is a season, not a lifestyle. In Genesis throughout Joseph's story, there are several verses that say "...and God was with Joseph." This is repeated throughout his hardship. In the end, Joseph tells the very ones who started his pain: "What you meant for evil, God meant for good." I cling to this scripture. My enemy is not God, it is Satan. What he is trying to do for evil, I believe God will intend it for good. If from my pain I can help just one person, it will be worth this season. I have to believe there is purpose in the pain. It helps me move forward, even if it slow.
Please pray that God will stay with me and lift me out of this dungeon. I look forward to feeling joy again and being the happy person He created me to be.
I believe it is Satan's best attack against me. He relishes in the pain it brings and the darkness that surrounds me. It is who he is and what he is all about. I find myself withdrawing from the things that once brought me joy. My mind is numb from the pain. I wear a mask to work to hide its ugly face. Strangely enough, it has actually been a blessing to keep me somewhat sane throughout the day. But when I get home and wind down from the day, I am exhausted and sleep becomes my best friend. I don't wish this darkness on anyone.
Psalm 6:2-10 has become my prayer morning and night. I find comfort in David's words as he begs God for mercy. He is hurting and feels alone. The book of Psalms is filled with David's heartaches as he cries out to God.
Job is another who got to experience depression's grip. I grew up thinking Job accepted his hardships willingly and that I should live my life as if there are no worries, being happy with God at all times. When I finally sat down to read the book of Job a few years ago, I gained a new respect for him. He was "real" about his struggle. He was hurt, angry, alone, depressed and was ready for life to end. He felt God had abandoned him during his darkest season.
Joseph struggled for over 13 years from being betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and thrown in prison left only to wonder where God was in all of this. I am thankful for these stories, because they each give me hope. I know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy.
Lately, I have met a lot of people who struggle with or have struggled with depression. I wish I was the only one who had to know how it feels. It is a terrible place to be. However, I hold onto the fact that this is only a season. Hopefully one that will end soon, but either way...it is a season, not a lifestyle. In Genesis throughout Joseph's story, there are several verses that say "...and God was with Joseph." This is repeated throughout his hardship. In the end, Joseph tells the very ones who started his pain: "What you meant for evil, God meant for good." I cling to this scripture. My enemy is not God, it is Satan. What he is trying to do for evil, I believe God will intend it for good. If from my pain I can help just one person, it will be worth this season. I have to believe there is purpose in the pain. It helps me move forward, even if it slow.
Please pray that God will stay with me and lift me out of this dungeon. I look forward to feeling joy again and being the happy person He created me to be.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Ebbs and Flos, Valleys and Mountains
Lately when people ask me what's been going on in my life, my reply has been "I'm just on a journey." But I didn't realize that not everyone sees life as a journey and that this answer may not be sufficient to their question. Unfortunately, I don't know any other way to answer it.
Rather than log every negative event in my life and rehash it as others ask me how I am doing, I would like to see my glass as half full rather than half empty. I have to believe that everything I go through in life is just part of my journey and that the BIG picture will not be known until the end. It all has purpose and a reason. Each event, both good and bad, is there to help me grow.
My life's journey has been full of valleys and mountains. It ebbs and flos with blessings and disappointments. Sometimes the valleys feel more like the desert where I am parched with no relief in sight. This past year I have spent most of my time in the valley and at times drifting into the desert, with the relief of an occasional hill here and there. I yearn to see the top of the mountain and wonder if it even exists.
But I have to believe that my time in the valley is not a waste. I am learning that there are no guarantees for a journey of staying on the mountain. Life is messy and it ebbs and flos. You must go up and down the mountains to get stronger. Sometimes God keeps you in the valley longer than you would like so that you can help others when they fall down their mountains and end up in the valley. There is purpose in the valley. Knowing this helps strengthen me in my valley as I wait for my time to climb back up my mountain.
Rather than log every negative event in my life and rehash it as others ask me how I am doing, I would like to see my glass as half full rather than half empty. I have to believe that everything I go through in life is just part of my journey and that the BIG picture will not be known until the end. It all has purpose and a reason. Each event, both good and bad, is there to help me grow.
My life's journey has been full of valleys and mountains. It ebbs and flos with blessings and disappointments. Sometimes the valleys feel more like the desert where I am parched with no relief in sight. This past year I have spent most of my time in the valley and at times drifting into the desert, with the relief of an occasional hill here and there. I yearn to see the top of the mountain and wonder if it even exists.
But I have to believe that my time in the valley is not a waste. I am learning that there are no guarantees for a journey of staying on the mountain. Life is messy and it ebbs and flos. You must go up and down the mountains to get stronger. Sometimes God keeps you in the valley longer than you would like so that you can help others when they fall down their mountains and end up in the valley. There is purpose in the valley. Knowing this helps strengthen me in my valley as I wait for my time to climb back up my mountain.
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