Depression: The Dark Season

There are times when God goes silent for a while and I wonder where He is or if He is even there. Unfortunately, now is one of those times. Depression, my fiercest enemy, has taken its toll on me. It is a darkness that consumes me. The heaviness of it weighs me down, making it difficult to function in life's daily routines. It doesn't matter what I tell my mind to do, the depression dictates my day and my emotions. It is a generational curse that originates from sin and I have become the unwilling recipient of its evil.

I believe it is Satan's best attack against me. He relishes in the pain it brings and the darkness that surrounds me. It is who he is and what he is all about. I find myself withdrawing from the things that once brought me joy. My mind is numb from the pain. I wear a mask to work to hide its ugly face. Strangely enough, it has actually been a blessing to keep me somewhat sane throughout the day. But when I get home and wind down from the day, I am exhausted and sleep becomes my best friend. I don't wish this darkness on anyone.

Psalm 6:2-10 has become my prayer morning and night. I find comfort in David's words as he begs God for mercy. He is hurting and feels alone. The book of Psalms is filled with David's heartaches as he cries out to God.

Job is another who got to experience depression's grip. I grew up thinking Job accepted his hardships willingly and that I should live my life as if there are no worries, being happy with God at all times. When I finally sat down to read the book of Job a few years ago, I gained a new respect for him. He was "real" about his struggle. He was hurt, angry, alone, depressed and was ready for life to end. He felt God had abandoned him during his darkest season.

Joseph struggled for over 13 years from being betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and thrown in prison left only to wonder where God was in all of this. I am thankful for these stories, because they each give me hope. I know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy.

Lately, I have met a lot of people who struggle with or have struggled with depression. I wish I was the only one who had to know how it feels. It is a terrible place to be. However, I hold onto the fact that this is only a season. Hopefully one that will end soon, but either way...it is a season, not a lifestyle. In Genesis throughout Joseph's story, there are several verses that say "...and God was with Joseph." This is repeated throughout his hardship. In the end, Joseph tells the very ones who started his pain: "What you meant for evil, God meant for good." I cling to this scripture. My enemy is not God, it is Satan. What he is trying to do for evil, I believe God will intend it for good. If from my pain I can help just one person, it will be worth this season. I have to believe there is purpose in the pain. It helps me move forward, even if it slow.

Please pray that God will stay with me and lift me out of this dungeon. I look forward to feeling joy again and being the happy person He created me to be.