On the Road to Recovery

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today and she suggested I update my blog with how God has been healing me. This blogging thing has been quite humbling. I feel very vulnerable putting my thoughts out there for everyone to see. Especially during a time when my life seems so raw. However, people have come to me and told me that they have been able to relate to my experiences. They've told me that the words written here have helped them during their dark times. I wish I could take credit for my thoughts, but what I write comes from God. I am completely lost on my own. There is no way I would have survived this part of the journey without His embrace.

The week after the last blog was a rough one. God definitely came near when I couldn't take anymore. Tears continued to flow and I continued to cry out to God. That week was full of the darkness of depression, but Satan was losing the battle. I have never felt closer to God than during that time. He was my only focus.

There is a passage in the Bible where Jesus had just finished a bizarre sermon. People who had been following him began leaving. His message was just too difficult for them. As they were leaving Jesus looks at His closest apostles and asks, "You don't want to go too, do you?" and Peter replies, "Lord, to whom shall we go?" Peter's words ran through my head over and over. To whom shall I go, Lord? There was no one to get me through this time. I was "doing" everything I could possibly do to pull through: counseling, support group, medication, etc. All of these things were helping me, but I hadn't fully "let go and let God" take over.

Letting go for me is very tough. I like to be in control. Depression is a beast for someone who is a control freak. A lot of people ask me what clinical depression feels like. Well...think of your saddest moment in life: death, divorce, illness, whatever. Now feel that pain from that time. People who suffer from "true" depression (not a funk or a rough season) wake up everyday feeling that way and cannot tell you why. No amount of positive thinking can get you past the pain. It is ugly. You can get through it, but you have to be willing to work hard. To fight. And fight is what I decided to do.

I have been going to couseling for about a year now. It took me a while to find someone I felt comfortable with, but once I did, what an eye opener. She is amazing. Let me tell you...don't get discouraged if you go to a counselor and don't like them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of kooks out there trying to help people when they really need to help themselves. My counselor has helped me address a lot of demons from my past. There have been times when I didn't want to go. I just didn't want to work on me. I wanted to continue burrying my past and the pain. It is easier that way. But digging up the past and bringing it front and center is the only way to move forward. Someone told me once that the definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same way and expecting a different result everytime. With counseling, I have decided to stop the insanity.

When the depression began slipping deeper and deeper, my counselor advised me that I needed to see a psychiatrist to adjust my medication. The depression had gotten so bad, I couldn't "think" my way out of it. I have to tell you...the whole depression medication thing is very humbling. I had always been one who looked down on people who needed meds for their mental state. Wow! Pot meet kettle. However, I was willing to do anything to get me moving forward. I would have walked on hot coals barefoot if that would take the depression away. So I guess being on meds is a little better.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and post tramatic stress disorder (PTSD). What?? A lot of words which basically mean my brain was working overtime. Some tramatic events from my childhood had begun resurfacing. Memories I never knew I had started showing their ugly faces. Apparently my subconscious knew they were coming and protected itself by sinking me into depression. A series of unexpected events in my life this year triggered these memories. Dealing with this stuff has been quite a beating. Thank God for counseling and my support group.

Needless to say, this has been HUGE defining season of my life. The fog is starting to lift. I am learning more about myself everyday. Joy shows its face more often. The depression hasn't completely released its grip, but I am having a LOT more of those better days. My smile has returned. And although it is not always there, I am thankful to have it more often. God is doing something BIG in me right now. I can feel it. No, I am not standing on the street corner with a sign that says "REPENT!" I am just on this road to recovery and it is only through the mercy of Jesus Christ that I am getting there.