Nowhere Else to Turn

Marriage...not even close to what I expected. All the dreams and expectations of what I thought need to be buried. Right now, I am filled with so much anger I don't know what to do with it. I keep trying to give it to God, but it is like it just smothers me more. I HATE this feeling. I learned that you have to LOVE (action verb, not noun) your husband. I am finding that challenging. Marriage exposes every sin you have and allows you to see every sin your partner has. It is disgusting. I don't know how God can look at it on a daily basis.

We both have so many hurts and fears from the past. It's hard to get past it. It's hard not to be selfish and see only my hurts and expect him to change so that I won't have to deal with them. It's hard to sit in it all. We both react to the damage of our past and leave no room for love and compassion to one another. I feel so hurt right now. I feel cheated. Again...my selfishness exposes it's ugly face.

God, please help me...help us. I want a strong marriage, but right now it seems to only disintegrate. Whenever he opens his mouth, rage enters in and I just want to lash out with hurtful words and actions. I am having a tough time fighting thoughts of retaliation. Please protect us both from Satan's lies. We are allowing him authority in this relationship with our words. Pain for pain...that seems to be our motto. How can I replace the pain with kindness. I don't get how you did that, Jesus. Why can't I give my own husband kindness when he hurts me with his words? Right now that is the last thing I want to give him.

All I can do right now is not respond. I have nothing else in me. Silence is the only kindness I can give right now. Silence is all I can bear. My sinful nature is eating away at me, wanting to lash out, wanting to inflect pain. It makes me sick.