When God Comes Near

It's amazing all the misconceptions we have about God. Things that have been told to us growing up. Scripture that people quote and swear that it comes from the Bible but cannot quite pinpoint where it is.

Last night truth was brought front and center to my world of misconceptions. I hit one of my of my darkest points in this season of being in the desert. Depression had taken its toll on me and I had nowhere to turn to but to Him. I crawled into my closet, which has become my quiet sanctuary, to get "real" with God. I decided I was going to pray scripture from HIS Word until I heard His voice. I began praying Psalm 4 and then moved on to Psalm 6, repeating it numerous times, pleading with God to come near. The sobbing worsened each time I read from David's helpless words. I laid on the closet floor begging God to hear me. Begging God to deliver me. Pleading with Him to take me "home" if this is what my life was to be. I was in a dark place where no one could reach me except for Him. Then with tears streaming down my face and sobbing uncontrollably, I spoke out loud to Satan with as much authority as I could muster, Psalm 6:8-10:

"Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my pleas; the Lord WILL answer my prayer. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame."

I turned and laid in the fetal position on the floor in my quiet closet, BEGGING God to relieve me, to hear me, to speak to me, to give me comfort. The agony of the depression had come to its worst moment.

It was then, that God came near. A peace came over me and I felt His presence. He just kept saying, "I am here and I love you." He kept repeating those words until my sobbing subsided. He told me that He is always with me and that sometimes He chooses silence to strengthen my faith in Him. He said that if He gave me all the answers I desired, my faith would be meaningless. Then He told me to write everything down that He said to me, so that I would not forget His words or misinterpret them later on. What a precious gift.

Going back to my first statement in this blog, I had to been holding onto words I thought had come from God. Words many of us cling to in times of despair. Those words are: "God will never give you more than you can handle." For as long as I can remember, I thought these words came right out of the scripture. I had been very angry with God because I was getting to a point where I couldn't "handle" my circumstances anymore. So...I decided to research this supposed scripture.

The truth is...nowhere in the Bible does God tell us that He will not give us more than we can handle. Sometimes He MUST give us more than we can handle so that we will be dependent on Him. He had to push me to my breaking point last night to put me in a place of complete and utter dependence on Him. I had nowhere to turn but to Him. However, He does promise us is in Matthew 11:28:

"..Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

This has been quite a journey so far. God has given me back my hope. I can feel that my happiness right around the corner. Depression may always be my "thorn in my side" but I know that God is always near and he will "give me rest."

A Break in the Clouds

Sometimes for no reason at all, God gives relief. Today He was gracious enough to bless me with a break in the clouds...relief for a day from my depression. I can't explain it. It wasn't necessarily a day any different from any other. Nothing spectacular happened. I just woke up feeling better.

God is a good God. He has lifted the darkness, if just for a day. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the many blessings He has given me. I don't deserve anything I have, yet He continues to bless me. I just wanted to write a small little blog to remind myself that God is very real and relief does come. It is just not always in my timing.

I am not so naive to believe that the depression is over. But fortunately, God has given me the tools to work at getting closer to a more permanent feeling of contentment.

Depression: The Dark Season

There are times when God goes silent for a while and I wonder where He is or if He is even there. Unfortunately, now is one of those times. Depression, my fiercest enemy, has taken its toll on me. It is a darkness that consumes me. The heaviness of it weighs me down, making it difficult to function in life's daily routines. It doesn't matter what I tell my mind to do, the depression dictates my day and my emotions. It is a generational curse that originates from sin and I have become the unwilling recipient of its evil.

I believe it is Satan's best attack against me. He relishes in the pain it brings and the darkness that surrounds me. It is who he is and what he is all about. I find myself withdrawing from the things that once brought me joy. My mind is numb from the pain. I wear a mask to work to hide its ugly face. Strangely enough, it has actually been a blessing to keep me somewhat sane throughout the day. But when I get home and wind down from the day, I am exhausted and sleep becomes my best friend. I don't wish this darkness on anyone.

Psalm 6:2-10 has become my prayer morning and night. I find comfort in David's words as he begs God for mercy. He is hurting and feels alone. The book of Psalms is filled with David's heartaches as he cries out to God.

Job is another who got to experience depression's grip. I grew up thinking Job accepted his hardships willingly and that I should live my life as if there are no worries, being happy with God at all times. When I finally sat down to read the book of Job a few years ago, I gained a new respect for him. He was "real" about his struggle. He was hurt, angry, alone, depressed and was ready for life to end. He felt God had abandoned him during his darkest season.

Joseph struggled for over 13 years from being betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and thrown in prison left only to wonder where God was in all of this. I am thankful for these stories, because they each give me hope. I know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy.

Lately, I have met a lot of people who struggle with or have struggled with depression. I wish I was the only one who had to know how it feels. It is a terrible place to be. However, I hold onto the fact that this is only a season. Hopefully one that will end soon, but either way...it is a season, not a lifestyle. In Genesis throughout Joseph's story, there are several verses that say "...and God was with Joseph." This is repeated throughout his hardship. In the end, Joseph tells the very ones who started his pain: "What you meant for evil, God meant for good." I cling to this scripture. My enemy is not God, it is Satan. What he is trying to do for evil, I believe God will intend it for good. If from my pain I can help just one person, it will be worth this season. I have to believe there is purpose in the pain. It helps me move forward, even if it slow.

Please pray that God will stay with me and lift me out of this dungeon. I look forward to feeling joy again and being the happy person He created me to be.

Ebbs and Flos, Valleys and Mountains

Lately when people ask me what's been going on in my life, my reply has been "I'm just on a journey." But I didn't realize that not everyone sees life as a journey and that this answer may not be sufficient to their question. Unfortunately, I don't know any other way to answer it.

Rather than log every negative event in my life and rehash it as others ask me how I am doing, I would like to see my glass as half full rather than half empty. I have to believe that everything I go through in life is just part of my journey and that the BIG picture will not be known until the end. It all has purpose and a reason. Each event, both good and bad, is there to help me grow.

My life's journey has been full of valleys and mountains. It ebbs and flos with blessings and disappointments. Sometimes the valleys feel more like the desert where I am parched with no relief in sight. This past year I have spent most of my time in the valley and at times drifting into the desert, with the relief of an occasional hill here and there. I yearn to see the top of the mountain and wonder if it even exists.

But I have to believe that my time in the valley is not a waste. I am learning that there are no guarantees for a journey of staying on the mountain. Life is messy and it ebbs and flos. You must go up and down the mountains to get stronger. Sometimes God keeps you in the valley longer than you would like so that you can help others when they fall down their mountains and end up in the valley. There is purpose in the valley. Knowing this helps strengthen me in my valley as I wait for my time to climb back up my mountain.