"No's" and Healing

It's been a while since my last blog. My depression has been on a roller coaster since then. Things definitely started looking up for a while (or so I thought). Come to find out, that was just the calm before the storm. The "real" storm was just right around the corner. Memories from my past started coming in by the truckloads (and still continue). I didn't know what to do with all of the memories. Just dealing with the memories wouldn't have been so bad if the emotions that went with them would have just stayed away. But...noooo....if God is going to heal you, He has to bring everything into the light.

Frankly, I never wanted to see any of that stuff again. I wanted to keep everything in a nice box and bury it deep. I never wanted it to surface and I wanted to live life as if none of it had ever happened. But as usual, God thought differently.

I am realizing that in order for me to begin my healing process, I not only have to open the box, but take everything out. The big, the ugly, the painful, EVERYTHING. I hate the box. I hate everything that is in it. I wish I didn't have the box. Unfortunately, because of sin, it is there.

This past summer marked the 20th anniversary of some of the most traumatic events in my life. It was my subconscious that kept on eye on the calendar. I could have cared less. I had buried those memories and there was no need to rehash them. It was just a story in my past and I had learned to disconnect with the emotions of it all. However, as much as I thought I had manipulated my way past it; it defined me. Satan kept his grip around me.

Twenty years ago, the purity of touch was robbed from me. When I confided in the one who I trusted most, thinking she would protect me, I was taught that my voice was not worth being heard. I learned that I was the problem. I was taught to believe that regardless of someone else's actions, I would be the cause of pain in others. I learned that no one could be trusted. I learned that I wasn't worth loving. I learned to stay silent. And I became a master at burying pain. Twenty years...why on the 20th anniversary would God decide it was time to pull away the curtain. I've asked Him that over and over.

I have been in tears many nights, begging God to make it go away. The darkness seemed to consume me. Death seemed like the only way out.

Then I realized that Satan must be feeling something big was about to take place in my life. He wouldn't be pursuing me with this much intensity unless he was afraid of the mold God was about to start reshaping.

I get the whole "clay" thing now. My clay mold looked o.k. on the outside, but it was completely dried up on the inside for a LONG time. I guess God was just waiting until the right time to reshape me. I had to be ready and willing for His healing on His terms, not mine.

Sometimes I get sick of learning. I want God to take a break and go work on someone else for a while. But I guess I can't choose when God decides to answer prayers. I started praying a while back that God would heal me fast. And heal me fast is what He has been doing. Identifying the pain of twenty years ago and of my childhood, letting go of certain dreams, opening my eyes to reality, discerning truth from lies, setting new boundaries, and learning to obey His "no's" when I really want them to be "yes's" have all been part of this healing process. I am FINALLY starting to feel "real" joy.

This past Sunday my pastor, Andy, talked about how real joy can be felt in the midst of pain (when life is ugly). He talked about Paul being chained to guards 24/7 but constantly feeling joy. I had always heard of this supposed "real" joy, but never believed it existed. My joy always came when things were going well...when I loved my job...when I had the boyfriend...when everything seemed to be going smoothly.

The crazy thing about opening this stupid box of mine and pulling everything out is that I am starting to feel the chains that have bound me in the past be cut off. I wake up with a sense of joy that I can't explain. My situation hasn't changed, but the feelings inside are starting to. I am getting a glimpse of the joy Paul describes in Philippians. If this is just a taste of the healing then I can't wait to see what lies ahead.

God's "no's" that seemed to have crush me in the past are now starting to make sense. I am learning to be thankful for the "no's". I don't like them in the moment, but He definitely knows what He is doing. Bring on the healing, God. I am ready to face the truth.

Truth brings about healing. And healing brings joy. Thank God for "no's" and healing.